I have so many projects to start/work on/complete around my house and in my life, and I just can’t seem to figure out where to even start and how to find a five minute block to devote to anything. It’s craziness, I tell you. And you know how when you have a bunch on your mind at home and projects that you’re itching to get going on, it’s harder to concentrate at work because you just want to be home doing your thing? I am totally there. I wish I could take a day off to just get some things done but after all the vacations we’ve taken lately, that just isn’t an option. Of coruse I’m not saying I minded going to Hawaii for half of July or hanging out in Northern California all last week…
I’m just …
Well I’m kind of at my wit’s end right now. I afraid I may have lost it a bit last night when Gus woke up around 12:30. We went to bed late due to just lollygagging on our part. Then Gus started crying at 12:30, and I really didn’t want to bring him in bed because I want to get him to stop nursing at night again (a bad habit we always pick up when we’re away). So we tried checking in on him and letting him cry it out a bit, but he got hysterical and I couldn’t take it and it’s always the same: I get this mix of guilt over letting him cry and hearing him being so distraught and knowing that I can put an end to it in five seconds flat. And frustration because if I give in then he’ll only get worse and cry harder the next time. And desperation because I JUST. NEED. TO. FUCKING. SLEEP.
After an hour of rocking him and trying to put him down calm but awake only to have him start up the banshee shrieks again, and – I’ll admit it – some screaming into the pillow in utter frustration on my part. And, ok, yelling at Masa who just lies there and doesn’t comfort me or really say anything. Or, worse, says stuff like, “yeah… It’s really hard listening to him crying like that…” that make me want to slap him. What I NEED is for him to hold me and tell me that we’re doing the right thing even though it’s hard and that it’s for the best in the end and all that crap. It’s simple. But you know how it is when it just won’t work if you tell them what to do.
SO ANYWAY. Gus ended up in the bed nursing all damn night being restless, falling asleep literally on my neck etc. etc. and basically being totally disruptive to my sleep (meanwhile Masa doesn’t really have to deal with it, which perhaps explains his lack of true motivation to get the nights worked out) we finally all fell into an exhausted sleep maybe around 4? Not sure. Naturally we woke up close to 7am in a “holy shit it’s late” panic.
This situation is not good for anyone in our family but I’m just at a loss as to what to do to fix it. There are times when I hear his crying and I know that he’ll fall asleep eventually. He really hasn’t ever put himself to sleep without at least a couple minutes of minor crying.
But then there are times when I can just hear a different edge in it (an edge that feels like being stabbed all over) and I know that it’s useless and cruel to let him keep crying. Times when I come in to check on him and he’s shaking and clinging to me and shrieking and I just can’t bear to leave him there. I can’t stop my arms from picking him up and holding him till he quiets down. Even as, inside, I rage in desperate frustration that I’m just sending us back to square one. You know how heated the online debates are surrounding sleep training? They’re just as viscious in my own head, I assure you.
I never really understood desperation until I became a mother. But in these moments I feel such utter hopelessness, and Gus and I cling to each other equally. Him to make sure I won’t leave him again, and me desperate to make him know how much I love him despite putting us all through this misery. Despite my ineptitude.These are the moments when I start to think I wasn’t cut out to be a mother. That I’m not strong enough. That Gus deserves better. Logically I know that this too will pass and after a couple of nights’ sleep, whenever they may come, I’ll have a clearer perspective. I know that someday I’ll feel like I have it together again. But today is not that day.